I think I am finally ready to sit down with someone to try and figure out all of this anxiety. Medication has done wonders for me, but there are times when the medication either does not cover it. Also if possible I would like to not be on medication forever, I do realize a lot of this is due to a chemical imbalance in my brain, but if I can do other things to take myself off of medication and handle this I would like to try it.
The thought of therapy itself actually gives me anxiety, you have no idea the fear that I get when I have to talk about things I’d rather not open up about. I’m really good at being able to hold my head high, fake a smile and move forward like nothing bothers me, like every southern lady was raised to do, but eventually that shit piles up and it wears on you. For me I’m sure a lot of the things that haunt me are so far suppressed that I don’t even know if I remember them or would be able to rightfully talk to anyone about them.
One other big driving factor in my decision to seek therapy is my daughter, she is also very highly anxious, just like I am, and I see that she is suffering. Because of her age and the fact that she is still developing mentally I do not want to jump straight in to medication. I want to exhaust all efforts before we try medication. She does manage very well, she is definitely high functioning like I was for much of my adolescent life, but I also know well enough that no matter how high functioning she might seem, she is not immune from dealing with the issues that come with adhd and anxiety, and one day there is a really good chance that she could reach the breaking point, the point where the stressors in her life become too much and she’s no longer high functioning. As a mom I want nothing more than to protect my child from the cruel world and the cruel reality that is mental illness. I don’t even really like the title mental illness, because it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me or my daughter, when in reality our brains are just set up differently than everyone else’s.
Just because our brains work faster and think quicker than everyone else’s, or we have more fear than others does not mean we are “weird or wrong, or even ill”.