Self sabotage

As women are we so determined to be independent that we are actually doing more damage than good? Everyone who has read my blog knows about my relationship struggles, they all know that I have been very vocal about my needs not being met. After a tumultuous weekend that left me saying “if this is going to work it’s up to you”. I had an epiphany in regards to my relationship with Tyler; number one, it’s not up to any one person to makea relationship work, it definitely takes two, if one sits back and puts it in the hands of the other it does not make anything better. This weekend my boyfriend wanted so badly to show me what he had been preoccupied with business wise, and he did, which did give me a better understanding of why things arenot as easy as they used to be when we were living in the same state. Even though I had a better understanding I still found myself extremely frustrated because for lack of a better way to describe it, I was being a cry baby.  I am not excusing any behavior on either of our parts, I am simply talking about the present situation.  Fast forward through another blow up fight last night, where I tried to end things with him, he was tough enough to not let me self-destruct even though I was hell bent on doing it. He calmed me down and basically said to me “look I know it’s not easy, but just take a deep breath and let’s figure this out”. As mad at him as I was I simply could not get past the fact that a) he put up with me being a shit, and b) he loves me enough to say just stop, lets figure this out.

I am a stubborn girl and 98% of the time I’m nice, but I will be the first to admit that when I am at my limit I have no problem self-destructing. I have no problem being the bad guy and letting it all go up in flames. Should I do that? No, does it make it right? Hell no, but I will admit that I’ve been hurt several times in the past where I felt like people were completely fucking with me and that was the only way I’ve ever been able to just let it be done.  Honestly If the roles were reversed and he was saying the things that I said to him, I wouldn’thave been strong enough to tell him to stop and tell him that we’d figure this out, so I do applaud him for that. Finally after going around in circles forawhile I went to sleep and then when I woke up it hit me, I can make him put in all the effort, and make him fix the relationship, but what good is that going to do? He is not the only one in this relationship, there are two of us, and it is not only on him. If I want this to work and I want to be with him then I need to put in some effort to. My big argument was that he was not talking to me like I thought he should have been, he was busy and not answering my calls.Which did not make me want to keep calling, I would withdraw and just ignore him hoping that things would change. He has made it very clear that I need to call him too, instead of just being withdrawn and getting mad, and truthfully he’s right. I don’t have to play the he’s not texting me back he must be ghosting me game. Or the he’s not calling me every 5 min he must be cheating game, we have been in this for almost 8 months now, life gets busy, and life is hectic, we must work together. Just because someone isn’t talking to you doesn’t mean they don’t love you, or because they don’t text you right back doesn’t mean you don’t matter. As a woman its so easy to feel like you have to have the attention and if you don’t hear back you are being ghosted or you aren’t important because our culture tells us that if someone doesn’t respond immediately you’re not important, but the true reality is they might not be responding because they’re busy or they have shit going on, so take a deep breath and pick up the slack that they cant pick up. Put yourself out there and let them know that you are thinking about them too, it’s not all about you, and its not about being talked to constantly. I’m sure I could write forever on this topic, I know our relationship hasn’t been the best, and I know we have gone through hell, but I honestly can’t say ive tried everything if I don’t at least try and meet him inthe middle, now can I?

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Author: diaryofadallasgirl

Lifestyle Bloggin’, mama struggling with the teenage years, on my own personal journey to mental and physical health, while struggling with ADHD/Anxiety. Working every day to build myself stronger while building my empire one day at a time. Total shopaholic, world traveler, foodie, Texan, Aggie, nurse, foodie, lover of all things beautiful and empowering. 📍Dallas, TX 💌diaryofadallasgirl@gmail.com

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