This has been a very trying time for me, it has been full of not only the highest highs but the lowest lows, which has been rough to say the least but the brightest part about it all is I feel like I have learned so much about myself in just the past two days that honestly I don’t know that I would have discovered if I had not gone through these difficult times. I also feel like this might be the beginning of a great beginning for me, like I am slowly dropping a huge load of emotional baggage that I have been carrying around for years.
Yesterday I discovered that I was subconsciously pushing Tyler away, I knew that it was because I was scared of getting hurt but I did not really know why until today. My anxiety has been really high lately, after a period of relatively low anxiety, mainly because I didn’t have anything to be anxious about or so I thought.
Today I made appointments for therapy for not only myself but for Claire. Everything was fine and working out well until the therapist office began asking questions about Claire’s father, they wanted to talk to him and to get consent from him to speak with her. Once they brought that up I immediately began to panic, I was on the verge of a panic attack just from them asking about him. All I could think was “He’s going to take me to court because I am taking her to therapy” Or he is going to say that I am a bad mom because I am taking her to therapy. I wanted to run, I wanted to stop responding to the doctors office, I did not want to own the situation, and I thought the best thing I could do was to shut down completely like I’ve done in this situation for years. I thought about it, and I thought no, not responding is not going to help me, or Claire. I responded, and I told them that I’d have a copy of the court paperwork to them and that it was not necessary for them to talk to him based on their situation and they agreed. The day then went on and I continued to think about the situation, and I realized that my anxiety was growing and growing. I got home, and today happened to be my slow afternoon so I had nothing to do but think, which made my anxiety even worse. I got in the car and began to run errands I didn’t even make it to the end of the street before I lost it.I pulled over because I was completely crying having a panic attack, I called Tyler and he answered and so graciously talked me out of it, he told me to focus on my breathing and to talk to him. At the same time I was texting Azia, and she asked one simple question, “what is causing your anxiety?” I said I don’t really know, so then she asked “what were your previous relationships like?” and it hit me, a great deal of my anxiety is related to that relationship. I think in some way subconsciously I might have expected the same results from this relationship, even though they are totally different in so many ways. I am so lucky to have a man who loves this broken girl, and who is willing to put up with the crap to try and heal my broken heart. This makes me love him even more, and appreciate him so much more for loving me even through all the crap I’ve put him through, The same goes for me loving him though everything he’s put me through. We are simply two imperfect people trying to make it in this life. This is going to be a continued time of self discovery for me, and it’s both scary and exciting, I am excited to see how far this journey takes me, but I am terrified because I know I have a lot of demons that need to be confronted and handled.