Today was my first session with my therapist, I was super nervous, and I almost found any reason not to go because I was super anxious, but I decided to just suck it up and go. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was, but it wasn’t exactly comfortable either. I walked in and I immediately had like diarrhea of the mouth, which is rare for me, usually I’m as closed up as fort knox and won’t tell anyone anything because I hate the thought of me telling someone something that can be used against me, but I will say she made me feel comfortable, comfortable enough to tell her my thoughts. We talked about how I had a big month of growth and realization in February, and how I was trying to correlate things that were causing issues to other things that had happened in the past, that might be causing issues for me. She said that I was on the right track with making these correlations, not sure if I really am, or if she just wanted me to feel positive about something. Basically she said she wanted to work on how I perceive things and the things that are bothering me, we talked about a past relationship that was emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive, we talked about how a lot of my issues are related to that. We talked about how those images/thoughts could be filed wrong in my brain and I need to work toward realizing that I am safe now and not everything in my daily life has to be a result of that relationship. We talked about relaxing and how your brain cant be in fight or flight mode and relaxation mode at the same time. Which makes a lot of sense because I don’t know how to relax, literally I have never probably truly relaxed in my adult life.
This is something I want to fix, I do not want my entire life to be always a big ball of stress, I want to fix the issues that are causing me pain, and causing strain in my current relationships. I want to move on with my life and I want to keep moving forward, onward and upward. I have a lot going for me in my life, and I have a lot of things to look forward to and I don’t need any of the baggage of the past holding me down, no matter how scary the past might be. When I left therapy I did feel better, and I felt like I might be on the right path, I am not going back to see her for two weeks, but I really do want to work on this. She said that the best things to help someone with anxiety are medication and therapy, so I am hopeful that things are looking up. I will continue to chronicle my experiences with therapy, and hopefully will share my success story once it is all done.