I have been extremely open about my anxiety struggles on my blog and I will continue to be, but I sometimes feel like I am just whining and this is not truly helping anyone including myself which then when I take a deep breath and look back on it is anxiety talking.
Anxiety is a big ugly monster that creates so much self-doubt for me and so many others. Anxiety constantly makes me feel inadequate or unimportant, it makes me feel like I am constantly fighting for my life, or I am constantly in fear that something bad is going to happen to me or my family, such as a kidnapping or a car wreck. Medication has helped quite a bit with calming my fears but I often still struggle with feelings of inadequacy.
Recently I went to see my Ear Nose and Throat doctor, because I had a sinus infection, he wanted to do a blood allergy test to know what I was allergic to, but I would not come off of my daily allergy medication because I knew it was going to be a long two weeks. Well, I took the blood allergy test and was told that my blood allergy results came back as completely normal, which anyone who knows me knows there is no possible way that these results are correct. I have the worst sinuses and the worst allergies, I’ve even had life-threatening allergic reactions more times than I can count. My most recent allergic reaction I was walking in to work and my lips and tongue began to swell, I had to take Benadryl to calm it down but I was very scared thinking I was going to have to use my epi pen. Once the swelling went down I could not pinpoint what was causing me to react. When I went to my ENT appointment, and he read my blood allergy test results, I told him about my lips/tongue swelling and he chalked it up to anxiety and told me to stop taking my allergy medicine. This scared me, I knew that I have had anxiety struggles but deep down in my heart I do not believe that my allergy issues are related to my anxiety. I believe that my anxiety may be heightened by my allergies but I do not believe that my allergies are caused by anxiety.
My ENT wanted me to follow up with my psychiatrist to get more help with my anxiety, so I made an appointment. When I walked into my psychiatrist office I had a near panic attack I just knew that she was going to confirm what he said, and she was going to take me off of all of my medications. I could not sleep the night before my appointment, I was in perpetual hell. I walked into her office when it was my turn and explained to her what was going on, she must have been keen to my anxiety because she said just breathe, your allergies might be amplifying your anxiety but they are not causing it, please please get a second opinion. She did not take me off of any of my medications instead she came up with a plan for me to get back on track. We talked about starting therapy and how it brought up a lot of feelings that I was probably suppressing, and things would likely get worse before they got better.
Before I left her office I started calling allergist, I found one that would see me in 5 days instead of 15 days without allergy medication, I thought if I am going to do this, why not do it in the shortest amount of time possible. I made the appointment and spoke with the nurse, she wanted me off of all of my daily medications, except for the Buspar and prestique. I thought holy shit how I am I going to get through this with no allergy medicine and no PRN anxiety medication. I called my psychiatrist and she said okay I don’t want you off of everything I am going to send out some Xanax for you during this because I already know your anxiety is high and I know you are going to need it.
Personally I hate Xanax, it does nothing but makes me numb, and sleepy. I would rather not take it, but in this case, I am thankful. My allergies get so bad that I begin itching which causes me to scratch my skin so much that if I don’t stop I will bleed. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be better I can take my allergy medication again and I can stop taking the Xanax so that I stop feeling tired and completely spaced out all the time. Right now I would just love to stop itching so that I can focus on my breathing and getting through my feelings of inadequacy.
I hate that I feel so inadequate, I am a very successful woman, who has a lot going for her, I have an amazing career and family, I have what so many people want, and don’t get me wrong I am 100% grateful, I just feel like I am not good enough for what I have, which is all anxiety talking. I feel like I need to do better and I need to be perfect in all aspects of my life, and when I am not perfect (like having an allergy attack) I feel like there is something wrong with me and I need to do better. I normally do not think so negatively, but when my anxiety is high things start to spiral and I get in this circular pattern of thinking so negatively.
For now I am choosing to breathe, and stop these negative thoughts, I am worthy I do deserve the things I have because I have worked for them, and there is nothing wrong with me. I am just as worthy as everyone else.